I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
