This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize