I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
