forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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