Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
