Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
