By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
