i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
