$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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