It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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