you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
