sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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