I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Mom said you looked used
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
