No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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