I wish I only lived at night.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I need to stop coming to work sober
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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