I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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