I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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