There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
