I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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