I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
