hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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