So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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