We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
