After last night, I could never be a politician.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
