He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Randomize
