Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
