Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Randomize
