I puked a lego.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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