Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
