Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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