i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
