I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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