Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
