I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize