Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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