i think my tv is drunk
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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