I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
