i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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