Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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