I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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