how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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