i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
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