2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
