I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
