Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
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