Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
