There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
