Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
