he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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