I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
