Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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