God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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