all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
