Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize