I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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