it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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