my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
