Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
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